Well, you could run
but then you would only crash into the wall that is your own insecurities.
Wouldn't it just be awesome to stand in front of those laughing, pimpled-face,
stinky jock wearing, my only accolade in life will be that I dated the quarterback,
jerks and just smile? Maybe you could even give them a twirl. Let them take in
the fullness of your being. “Take a picture and frame it,” you’d say. What if
you could just stand there and command their laughter, or their admiration, or
whatever you wanted? What if it didn't even matter if you transformed one
single laughter? What if all that matter was that you were being your authentic
self? We are born naked, yet we spend so much time cloaking ourselves in the
image of who we are expected to be that we forget to accept who we truly are.
Perhaps, we even become afraid to know who that person is.
For a long time I had
been comfortable living in the skin I had created. Perhaps it was not my
authentic self - posturing for the professional world and ignoring my emotional
growth - but, hell I didn't know I was behaving like a pod person, so what was
the harm. As is the natural progression of life, I'm evolving. This evolution
has required me to perform some heavy-duty self-evaluation. Thus far I have
discovered two things to be true about myself. I, to some extent, am emotionally
stunted. While I am very mature, with the exception of occasional karaoke
nights, I struggle with being emotionally available to others. I don't get why
one of my twins will cry at the slightest hint of reprimand. Hugging can be an
uncomfortable experience for me. Saying I love you, is even more awkward. I
guess the West Indian in me would have me believe that just being around,
busting my butt at work to provide, coming home nightly, should be enough to
show the love. Why should I have to say it or display this love with affection?
Simple answer, it is what the people around me need. So I am choosing to make a
conscious effort to work and improve my emotional deficit.
The other thing I have discovered
is that I am so afraid to become like my mother. She was strong in so many
ways. So strong, that even while in hospice dying from breast cancer, a naive
part of me believed she was going to be OK. I mean how could she not be OK? She
was always OK, even when she was not. My mother was so good at hiding herself that
I didn't even realize she went completely blind before she died. She would
rather have me believe that she was just having another one of her drug-induced
dopiness, than to know that she could not see me. She never wanted her children
to worry. I loved that about her, her desire to always protect her children
even if she didn't always know the best way to do such.
As much as I will always love and
admire my mother, I am deathly afraid of having a life like the one she had.
Her life revolved solely around the needs of her children to the hindrance of
achieving her own goals. I am afraid of having a marriage like the one she had
with my father. A marriage full of infidelity, lies, and two individuals who
did not know how to communicate without yelling, anger, and at times blood
shed. I am afraid of never being able to show the level of affection that my
husband seems to show so effortlessly. I don't know how too. I mean I get it in
theory and even in practice, but it's not comfortable and I'm scared it will
never be. I'm afraid I will never feel loved, something my mother often
complained about. I'm afraid that, like my mother, I will never achieve my
creative goals. I'm afraid that I will not be able to provide the life that I
know my children deserve to have.
Fear is natural, but I will not
allow my fears to be debilitating. I cannot allow them to be. I have people
that I love depending on me to face and overcome my fears. I think, the first
step is acknowledging the fears that exist. Next would be figuring out how
these fears impact your life. What I'm still trying to figure out is how to conquer
each one. I will overcome each fear though trial and error. There is no way for
me to know what works for something that I haven't really attempted to work on.
Eventually, I want to command the room naked. I want to
say look at me. Look at every flaw, every roll every imperfection. Look at me
and either like what you see or don't. Either way it's OK because I'm still
standing here naked and I am comfortable being exposed, being naked in my own
skin.
